I thought this might be a useful article for a few con-goers

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

I could go on and on with an explanation, but I'll just link the column with the caveat: this is not me saying *anything* about your average con-goer. Please read the article through before reacting. Ktnx.

Guest blogger Starling: Schrodinger's rapist, or a guy's guide to approaching strange women without being maced.

Comments

[greenwitch.livejournal.com]

Great article, ngl. I'm staying far away from most of the latter comments though...

[gothpanda.livejournal.com]

Great article, thanks for posting! I reposted on FB.

[karie122.livejournal.com]

This is a fantastic article and thanks for posting it! It's not that all men are evil, it's just that reality is pretty scary and women are forced to behave differently then men because of that reality. As Starling mentioned, it's nothing personal, just safety issues.

[d-c-m.livejournal.com]

sorry off topic but where did you get your amazing icon?!?!? I love Pratchett.

[ed-the-chibi.livejournal.com]

...That is definitely an interesting article. I need to show that to a few people.

[house-kitten.livejournal.com]

I love this. It's exactly what I've been trying to express to my male friends for ages now.

My Presepective as a Guy

[dijitao.livejournal.com]

When I read the title of the article I thought that the author must be absolutely paranoid. It implies that all men are simultaneously rapist and not rapist until observed. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat) The first couple of paragraphs did nothing but reinforce this initial thought, until the author points out that one in every six American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. I first reacted to this statistic with skepticism and disbelief but as I thought of the women I've known in my life who have been close enough to me to talk to me about such things, one in six becomes a very plausible number. Once you accept that, paranoia is replaced with justifiable caution, and that is a very sickening revelation to me. I always just figured that the reason women don't like it when guys come up to them and try to start up a conversation is the same reason that I don't like it when a women comes up to me and tries to start a conversation. That is to say that if you don't know me and you start talking to me, the only possible thing you could know about me is my outward appearance and if your the kind of person who wants to get to know someone based solely on outward appearance, then changes are your not the kind of person I want to get to know. That's a bit different then, "I wonder if this girl is going to try to rape me".

On a possibly related side notes, I have noticed since I've been married that the number of women who ask me trivial questions such as what time it is, or directions to some location has increased. Are you seriously looking for a guy with a wedding ring on before asking this kind of stuff because he's far less likely to interpret it as anything other then asking a question?

Re: My Presepective as a Guy

[mirana.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you ultimately believed the article, b/c it's 100% true. Ask ANY woman. There's not a day that my friends or family members or myself walk out of our homes and assess the danger of every single man around us. At cons it's even worse.

About the ring thing? Yes. Absolutely that's the reason. Got kids? Because a man with children is the top of that safety scale. ;) (Well, at least kids that aren't screaming, "You're not my daddy!")

Re: My Presepective as a Guy

[kseuss.livejournal.com]

Your first instinct was right. The author is paranoid. To put the 'statistics' into perspective, look into how many of those assaults were by family members. The one in six is not referring to women attacked and assaulted by strangers or people they have just met. I am well aware that *some* women are assaulted by strangers, just as some women are raped by other women and some men are raped.
(Numbers vary but as an example, The National Center for Victims of Crime state that 73% of reports are assaulted by people they knew. Another source http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/sexual_assault.html reports 69%)
I am not saying that female and male alike should not take simple precautions. I am also not saying that anyone has the right to push themselves on another person who is clearly not interested. The problem is that neither men nor women are nearly as good at communication as they think they are and what one person thinks is a pretty obvious sign, isn't.
To regard all men as potential rapists until *proven* otherwise? That is just paranoid. The shoe too easily fits on the other foot.

very good read

[kylekatern.livejournal.com]

It reminded me of a quote, form A book I enjoyed, from one of my favorite authors.
"He knew that, at heart, he was a rapist. And that meant he hated rapists more than any "normal" human being. They purely pissed him off. He'd spent his entire sexually adult life fighting the urge to use his not inconsiderable strength to possess and take instead of woo and cajole. He'd fought his demons to a standstill again and again when it would have been so easy to give in."

Even the best, nicest guy may have dark thoughts, or at heart, BE a bad guy. But it is our actions, not our intentions, or thoughts, or feelings, that the world can see, and thus all they can judge. I know that for me, I tend, in many cases, to almost instantly get visibly pigeon holed into one of 3 spots.
a: "Nice safe guy, would never hurt me"
b: "Weird/does not make me comfortable"
c: "Background, ignore"

Since I work in a service industry, in a uniform, I often go places folks do not know about, and tend to be ignored by the occupants of a building. People often do not really pay attention to a stranger if that person is in a uniform, and or has a belt of tools, or a hand truck with tool boxes.

I go out of my way to make sure people know I am there. I speak up before i walk past people from behind, I open doors slowly, I do a little extra to NOT scare or surprise people. This reduces my perceived threat level, and actually can do more to make folks ignore me.

When I am not at work, I am one of those who lives in a firearms heavy state. I hunt, fish, and shoot. I also carry handguns, both concealed and on my hip in plain sight, anytime I can legally do so, be it a gun on my hip when I go to cash a check, or when I am getting groceries, or even just going for a walk. This increases my threat level to some, and for others it makes me more invisible. Many do not notice the gun, even when its big, bulky, and in plain view. Of those that do, many seem to assume that I am law enforcement, or security. I carry a gun as a political and social statement, as much as for self defense or for any other reason, as an exercise of a right.

It is also all about context. If you are in a dark alley, and you turn around to find a man standing behind you, you may panic. If you are in a dark alley and somebody calls out down the alley, while they shine a flashlight in front of them, and ask if anyone is there, or if you are ok, most calm down vs panic. If I pull out a tactical folding knife, or my multi tool, or one of my fixed blade knives, and use it to open a letter, cut some string, or to pry open a jammed door for you? Its all good. If I pull out the same knife, or any object, with no use in view? it causes a different response.

If I empty my pockets, and in them there is electric tape, a first aid kit, duct tape, a multi tool, box cutter, rope, and a water bottle, plus binoculars, what does one think? If I was hiking, all that would be understandable. Same if hunting. Or fishing. Its all about the context, the setting that can turn an every day item, or even a rare one, into a common place expected item, or a panic inducing unexpected one.

I also do 'girls with guns' trips, where I offer to meet at a local public range with girls who have not shot a gun before, or who have not shot one much. I normally provide loaner guns, safety instruction, and in some cases pay the range fee and offer ammunition. I also pass out my 'business' phone number to people, who may need a ride back form a bar, or somebody they know to walk them to a car after dark. I do all this because I want people to feel safer, and to feel it because they ARE safer, not because they are not aware of the danger.

Re: very good read

[mirana.livejournal.com]

Jesus, that book makes me want to hurl--that quote being one of the perfect examples of why. The author is trying to make RAPE and RAPISTS seem like something completely "normal" because the main character can IDENTIFY with them. He's essentially saying, "Gee, I hate rapists because I REALLY WANT TO BE ONE, BUT CAN'T 'CAUSE SOCIETY DOESN'T LIKE IT."

HURL. HURL. HURLLLLLL.

I'm sorry, because I don't mean to start something. I'm glad you think the above article is good. I just cannot believe that ANYONE who was a normal, decent person would believe that quote, or identify with it. You really think that it's NORMAL for a man to have thoughts of RAPING someone? The idea would make any of my guy friends just as sick as me. That is not normal.

Also, I don't know about OTHER gals, but a man walking around with a tool belt and a company shirt? Makes me MORE nervous and observant than someone without. Know why? Because ANYONE can buy that shit from the corner uniform store and the Home Depot and instantly have a "valid" reason to enter my property or my home. Police and other gear is JUST as easy to get. Even someone NOT pretending can be just as dangerous and I treat them as such. I don't give a crap if you have a badge--my sister works dispatch, my brother-in-law is a firefighter. I know ALL ABOUT emergency personal who've been thrown in jail for sexual assault and rape (of women OR men).

You may think that women don't see you as a threat because your could-be-violent items are tools. That is absolutely not the case.

♥

[childwoman.livejournal.com]

I think and act exactly like her. It speaks absolute truth.

[mirana.livejournal.com]

Hell yes, I agree 1000% with this article. I think that and "DON'T BE THAT GUY" (http://synecdochic.livejournal.com/214607.html) essay written by synecdochic (bonus, she references con atmospheres directly) are the absolute primers for any man, anywhere, to understand a woman's world and how she perceives strange men approaching her.

I had a few guys at this past dragon con that were THAT GUY and it was beyond scary.

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

Okay, I was just going to make a blanket response (see below), but I just have to comment here. ZOMG WHAT A GREAT POST. This is the calling I have for writing, to be able to explain something like that so it makes sense to someone other than me. And that post shows me even more how much more work I have to do to reach That Place. And what's even more, it opened my eyes to how I myself was being That Guy (well, That Girl) in a completely unrelated-to-this-community-livejournal-or-dragoncon way. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Now, if only some of the commenters below would read and truly understand that post....oh, the true communication that could be had!

[myras-girls.livejournal.com]

It's a very interesting blog post and interesting point of view.

I am a woman, and a sexual assault survivor, however I very rarely find myself assessing men as if they could be rapists. I suppose I assume they are not unless they do something to make me think otherwise.

I can only think of two instances where I felt a stranger intended to sexually harm me. At con and outside of con I generally find contact with strangers, male or female, to be friendly and open.

[zarathud.livejournal.com]

Hurray, sanity!

The author (one woman) is attempting to speak for all women, more or less saying that all women are the same as her in this particular regard. That is sexist. If I chose some quality or behavior observed in some of the women I know and wrote an article claiming that this quality or behavior applied to all women, that article would be perceived as sexist -- and rightly so.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for due caution with strangers (regardless of your or their gender), but I think this author might be taking it just a bit far.

[wicked0witch.livejournal.com]

This is such an excellent article. I've reposted it in a few places.

I had a few experiences at D*C with guys that didn't read the signs at all, and it's really frightening. I got to a point where I literally just walked away because I couldn't figure out a good way to get out of the conversation.


I'm also going to add that my dad was a cop, so I suppose I do it more than most since he taught me to be super paranoid.

[dpassmor.livejournal.com]

http://www.xkcd.com/642/

[alaskan-blue.livejournal.com]

That is so damn true.

[mhaithaca.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing the column. Cons are certainly an environment where you'll tend to run into a few people who don't have an innate understanding of social conventions, so this is a good forum for a reminder.

As a man -- and a tall one -- I'm aware that I could be physically imposing or threatening, and do my best to be neither.

However, I'm generally pretty outgoing, and frequently strike up conversations with complete strangers. Some, naturally, are women. Some of these are giving "signals" that they're receptive before I start, as you describe, and others are not. Some, of course, are looking busy or specifically looking intentionally closed off. But I won't interpret a lack of signals -- before I start talking -- as a "leave me alone." I can't. A woman, or a man, who's simply looking out the window isn't saying "stay away." If I try to strike up a conversation for whatever reason, and the person's not interested, of course I'll take the hint and stop.

It may be that "don't approach strangers" is a clearer message for folks who lack the ability to make their own assessments effectively, and of course it's appropriate in dark alleys as the column says, but I don't think it's a good general message. Such overgeneralization increases the risk that a reasonable reader might dismiss an otherwise cogent thesis.

Thanks again!

[ambyr.livejournal.com]

A woman, or a man, who's simply looking out the window isn't saying "stay away."

Why do you get to decide this? Because when I am staring out the window (on a train, or bus, or building lobby), that is exactly the signal I am trying to send--that I am busy, engaged in an activity, and do not wish to be interrupted by strangers without good reason (e.g., I am blocking their way to the building exit, or the bus is on fire). It's no different than someone interrupting me while I am reading a book or watching a DVD on my laptop. A stranger trying to talk to me is a stranger sending the signal that they think their desire (to engage in conversation with me) trumps my desire (to engage in my chosen activity). I may not assume they are a threat, but I will almost certainly assume they are being rude.

[jhcgh.livejournal.com]

Beautiful article. When I tell my friends that I'm getting a bad vibe from someone, I don't seem to explain it simply enough for them to understand. I've bookmarked it for future reference/education of the masses.

Thanks for posting it :)

[zarathud.livejournal.com]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_statistics

[kimberworld.livejournal.com]

When my husband and I first got together, we were leaving a store at night and I had my car keys in my hand before even stepping into the parking lot, and, as usual, walked in the middle of the road to my car while my eyes scanned the area.

He asked why I took those precautions. I hadn't even realized I was doing all that because it's so ingrained into my brain to be careful. After I explained it was because that's how I was taught to be safe in a parking lot, he pondered for a moment before saying he'd never thought of it like that and that he could understand why I was careful.

Am I being paranoid when I make sure I'm safe in any situation? No, I don't think so. I don't want to be mugged or raped, thanks very much, and being a survivor of both, I realize even with me being as careful as I am, it still happens. I was mugged while at a gas station that was well lit. The rape part I'll just leave out the ugly details, but it was a stranger and I felt no danger until it started.

The author is right. All that goes through my head in like a nano-second, and I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I'd also like to point out that as a mother, I've taught my child that if he ever gets separated from me while we're in public, that he must go to a woman for help. Do NOT ever go to a man even if he's in a uniform.

Sorry, guys. I know 99% of you all are kind and safe, but it's that 1% I have to watch out for.

[alexdelarge78.livejournal.com]

It's a good article, and I understand it and to be fair it actually allows me to step into the world of a female for a space of time.
It must certainly be a frightening world when every male of the species is a potential threat.

If I might add a few comments which in turn apply to women when acting, interracting in society.

How women dress dictates the level of attention they receive.
I am very happily married and I am a devoted man, but as is human nature my eyes do wander from time to time to 'eye candy'.
If a woman is scantily clad or her choice of wardrobe enhances or promotes the curvature of her body or allows me to see through her clothing to her body parts- well i'm going to look a little bit more. Does it mean that *I* desire her? Absolutely not. If a woman is wearing a 'top' that says "I'd do me" or something similar- that is going to attract my attention and also the wrong kind of attention. In short, dress to kill or to attract men, the terribly irony is that the probability greatly increases of acts of violence.
On a personal note, I am far more attracted to a womans brain than her physical person. IQ and wisdom vs - I'll say it breasts and butt.
It would seem that these days for a woman having a black belt or three in martial arts and a personal taser are part of every day necessity.

So what am I trying to say. I'm an not suggesting that it works both ways, but women in turn have to be carefull how they present themselves and the vibes they send out.

For the record, I know that my character is notorious where this is concerned. I tend to skip the home invastion scene whenever I view Clockwork Orange.

[mirana.livejournal.com]

Congrats, you got this far into life believing "Blaming the Victim" is acceptable. Here you go: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming

Now you can go forth and say more enlightened things.

A girl can walk around stark naked if she wants--and you can surely look if you like--but YOU DON'T GET TO RAPE HER. Or sexually assault her. Imagine that?

Or would you argue that if you give a dirty look to someone, then they have the right to come over and punch you in the face? But you were asking for the attention, right?

A Straight Geek Male's Guide to Interaction with Females

[acciochocolate.livejournal.com]

Also a good guide for con-goers, and guys at any time:

http://timjr.livejournal.com/306882.html

Don't Be That Guy--you know, the one women avoid

[acciochocolate.livejournal.com]

http://synecdochic.livejournal.com/214607.html

Very good ideas here.

Thoughts on Men and Rape

[acciochocolate.livejournal.com]

http://jimhines.livejournal.com/364144.html?style=mine

This article is written by a guy, and he's so correct about everything.

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took this long to respond - livejournal is not emailing other people's comments to me anymore, and I'm on livejournal maybe once a week these days, so I didn't even notice that it made it through the mod queue until I just now saw this post on my FL (no, I didn't get the moderated post has been posted notification either. Bah.). So, since there's now about 53 comments to this post, I'm going to make a single blanket response -

1)I'm not the author of the article, I'm just linking it.

2)The "ook?" icon was made by jesskat and, I believe, was posted in an icon community I was watching at the time. Unfortunately, I don't remember which comm that was. I believe it was made from either fan or professional artwork for the books that was *not* made by jesskat.

3)My title of my post, "I thought this might be a useful article for a few con-goers," is exactly what I meant. No, I was not saying that all men at con, or all men, are rapists. If that's what you got, you missed the entire point of the article. The majority of women like men. We want to like you, we don't *want* to fear you, or mistrust you, or think that you will hurt us. Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. And what the author of the post is trying to explain - this is how a lot of women think, and it's not always conscious, it's instinctive. And some people - a group who, due to the nature of the crowd that the con attracts - have not interacted a whole lot with other people, regardless of gender. Yes, women set off my danger instincts, too. So these people may not even *know* that they are tripping the instinctive danger signal in the people they are merely trying to be friendly to. This linked post, I believe, is an attempt to explain that in a way that is easy to understand, and reduce the miscommunication.

4)And here's the other message of that article, IMO. Having the reaction that telling a woman you don't even personally know that the method and choices she's using to protect herself is paranoid or stupid? Goes right back to the belief that what you think, about her, is more important than what she thinks herself. You just tripped the big shiny red flag, there. Care to try again?

5)And no, I've never been physically assaulted(yet), but I got real close to the creepy at my first dragoncon - a guy who *would* not take no for an answer, and who physically attempted to keep me from getting away (would not let go of my arm), and did his damndest to get me up to his hotel room (through verbal persuasion, but still, ew creepy). Thankfully a friend of mine who I was rooming/attending con with that year was an ex-army guy and looked out for me, and I of course knew to stay in public areas in view of security when the creep was doing this. Of course, years later he (the ex-army boy) turned out to be all sorts of crazy beans himself, but that's another story in and of itself. And I learned the hard way that being nice is great and all but sometimes you have to enforce the no by being rude and/or mean. Hate to do it every time, but in my book personal safety trumps hurting the feelings of someone you don't even know who has been ignoring all the non-verbal signals you've been sending to back the hell off.

5)Thank you to all who got the message of the article I linked and responded positively and without knee-jerk reactions. And thank you to all who posted more article and post links in return! Information = good. Keep it up!

Bah, and I can't edit either!

[matchgirl42.livejournal.com]

edit to number 3 above...

3)My title of my post, "I thought this might be a useful article for a few con-goers," is exactly what I meant. No, I was not saying that all men at con, or all men, are rapists. If that's what you got, you missed the entire point of the article. The majority of women like men. We want to like you, we don't *want* to fear you, or mistrust you, or think that you will hurt us. Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. And what the author of the post is trying to explain - this is how a lot of women think, and it's not always conscious, it's instinctive. And some people - a group who, due to the nature of the crowd that the con attracts, comprises a larger percentage of congoers then normally encountered in the "every day world" - have not interacted a whole lot with other people, regardless of gender. Yes, women set off my danger instincts, too. So these people may not even *know* that they are tripping the instinctive danger signal in the people they are merely trying to be friendly to. This linked post, I believe, is an attempt to explain that in a way that is easy to understand, and reduce the miscommunication.